The Dunderhead Duo
by l0stinl0ve
Summary: Hogwarts life of best friends Scorpius and Albus from the perspective of the very much alive Professor Snape. AU since Snape is very much alive and some non-canon pairings..


This was written for _The Fruit Competition_ and I had to write about Severus Snape with a grape. I'm including this in _The Character Trait! Challenge_ for spiteful!Severus.

Thank you to my lovely beta tygermine for going through this and making sure it made sense!

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"_I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."_

Was he ever going to get a good bunch? Sure, every so often he'd get one competent student. At least in the past, he had two in one year once,_ two_ capable students: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger. Not that he would tell them that, oh no, he had a reputation to uphold.

Now their offspring, that was a different can of flobberworms. He always knew that the Potter brat would be the spawn of Satan – his older brother James was just like his namesake. How Albus got sorted into his house, he wouldn't know. But that only made dealing with him worse.

He always knew the Sorting Hat wasn't his biggest fan. He thought it would let bygones be bygones, but no, the hat had the memory of an elephant. Yes, the one year he happened to be headmaster was one of the worst the castle had ever seen, but it could have been much worse. Did the Sorting Hat care? No. So it only made sense that the stupid thing ensure the continued reminder of his greatest mistake would be under his responsibility. _Again_.

Maybe the hat was in cahoots with Dumbledore. It seemed like something he would do for entertainment. Severus reminded himself to remove the portrait he had of him from his office, just in case. He didn't want to reward him for giving him the biggest headache he had had in nineteen years. Why couldn't Albus have been sorted into Gryffindor like his brother, parents, grandparents, everyone he's bloody well related to? No, Severus had to be Head of House for the first Slytherin Potter ever. He should have just died during the war.

Lucius, after finding out about his betrayal, had to make sure he lived through the aftermath and had to feed him a bloody bezoar. Sure, he had scars across his neck, but his best friend's wife and daughter-in-law ensured him that it was _sexy_ and he should use it to go pull women. He didn't need the aide of scars to help him shag, thank you very much.

His anger for Albus Potter was only adding to his other agitations with his life. If it wasn't bad enough that the Malfoy's were all worried for his love life, or lack thereof; he still had Minerva breathing down his neck about settling down. Severus rolled his eyes at the thought. The woman had the audacity to recruit the assistance of one Molly Weasley and Ginerva Potter to help find him _the one._ He already met _the one_, he pissed off_ the one_, he was essentially the cause of death for _the one_; he didn't need another _one._

He tried to think of a suitable way to let out his frustration. Hexing Albus Potter wouldn't do. Sending him into the Forbidden Forest would only excite him, not considered a punishment – Slytherin, his left boot, no self-preservation, that one. He could put him on Peeves duty, but knowing the kid, he'd probably just join in. He couldn't take away points. That would be idiotic. Take points from his own house, pft. He scoffed at the thought.

Extra homework? No, he was fairly intelligent, where he got that, Severus wouldn't know. Probably from his mother; she did create that wicked Bat-Bogey Hex.

Maybe work on the grounds? No, the Potter clan stayed close with Hagrid. That wouldn't do.

Clean all the girl's bathrooms, particularly the one on the second floor that no one ever uses, without magic, and toothbrushes? That seemed like a wonderful idea, but he hardly thought Minerva would be happy with him when she inevitably found out about it.

No, there had to be a fitting punishment for the boy. He just hadn't thought of it yet.

He had another problem to figure out. It wasn't just Albus Potter who was in trouble. No, he had an assistant, an accessory to the crime. And they both were in Slytherin house; just his luck.

It was only fitting that Hermione Granger's child would follow Albus Potter around like a lost puppy and be the brains behind everything. And that was the crux of the problem. It was more than likely _his _idea for the prank. Hermione Granger's child, a prankster in league with a Potter/Weasley mix.

But, BUT, he was also the child of his godson. Surely, Draco taught Scorpius more respect than that. Hermione was even starting to grow on him. Granted, it'd taken twenty plus years to happen, and she didn't know that. He was sure that she at least suspected it. She wouldn't be Hermione Granger, _Hermione Malfoy_, if she didn't suspect.

Severus was at a crossroads. He didn't want to have words with Scorpius's father. He recalled what it was like to make the threat to Draco when he was a first year. He didn't really care for speaking with Harry Potter, either, but Albus was becoming a nuisance, plus a bad influence on someone he would consider his own grandson. Wasn't it just yesterday that Scorpius was helping him brew some Pepperup Potion?

But something had to be done. It wasn't just a normal silly prank like the ones their Uncle George and Uncle Fred would pull. Oh no, what they had done could have been potentially fatal. Hogwarts was lucky to have such a capable Potions Master, if he didn't say so himself.

But exchanging the sopophorous beans with grapes? Grapes of all things? What could have possessed them to even do such a thing?

In the end, he would have to have words with a parent. But he'd go with Hermione – she could be right scary when she wanted to be – disrupting education was a definite cause for her ire. Plus, maybe this latest stunt would convince her to sever the friendship between Scorpius and Albus. Merlin only knew the kind of trouble the two dunderheads could get into as they got older.


End file.
